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Hobbies That I Want to Try Out
3/19/2024 (ongoing entry)
- Hiking (already started this one)
- Boxing
- Photography (also already started this one)
- Gardening (might have to wait until we have a backyard)
- Baking
- Cutting Hair
- Animation
- Volunteering
- Blogging/Website Building (hiiii!)
- Polymer Clay (Finn recommended this one)
- Scrapbooking
- Bird Watching
- Flower Pressing
- Skateboarding
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12/17/2023 Journal
I have a specific memory from about a year ago now
When my family and I made the cross-country road trip to where we live now
We were in a hotel in Texas
It was dark outside
I rememmber being jumpy in that state
I think I had it ingrained in my head that it wasn't safe for people like me
I was laying down on the couch, and was supposed to be sleeping
But for one reason or another I just couldn't
So I clicked on the notification on my phone from Twitch
Someone I followed was playing Deltarune
The game had always seemed interesting, so I watched for a few hours
I haven't watched anything on Twitch in several months now
How the time passes
How the time passes
Eventually, I fell asleep
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Human (?)
I don't feel like I'm quite human
I mean obviously I know
I technically am
Because what else would I be?
But
Looking out at all my peers
Listening
Watching
Choosing to embrace
My place as an outsider
That simply observes from the outskirts of society
My only other option would be
Forcing myself to seem like I
Fit in that group
Hiding the core parts
Of who I am
Or the discomfort
When they express
What they think about people like me
Maybe the barrier I put
Between
Me and Them
Is why I feel this way
How do I feel?
It's hard to say
The best way I can put it
Is that either
I'm not quite human
Or too much of a person to count
My friends remind me I'm
Still human
Even if they maybe don't understand
It's not an inherently bad thing for me
I know they're right
I know they are
But this isn't a feeling
You can just shake
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That Day
TW: past suicidal ideation, past self harm, hospitals
That day is still with me
I'm not sure what it means to me
But it's there
Maybe it's a reminder
Or even a warning
As to what might happen
If I get
Bad
Again
Maybe it's the reason
I'm still here
I don't know
Not at the moment anyways
So
What was that day?
The lighting had a yellow-ish hue
And might've been dim
But that could just be
The memory
I think it was cold
And I think I wore
A hospital gown
I kept the inside of my arm
Face down
Until they asked to see it
Because I couldn't bear
The shame
Of the raised lines
That were visibly lighter
Than the skin they had been cut onto
Because I felt they were
My fault
My fault
My fault
Mom told me
What she found in
My notebook
And what the psychologist
Told her to do
Was take me here
The drive
Was utterly dreadful
The cold room
Had only a cot,
A chair,
And a television that was off
They said I could tell them if I was hungry
But I was too shaken
And too self-conscious
To ask for anything
Eventually
Someone entered the cold room
To talk
Now
I couldn't say exactly why
I no longer
Wanted to be
I could tell you some of the root causes
But despite how much it meant to me then
I can't remember
I wasn't going to
I did't even have any real idea
Of how I would
It just seemed
Easier
I had reasons to keep going
My eyes were red and puffy
My nose was running
And my voice was choked
As I spilled my guts out
For the first time
Because anyone else I could've told
Would've had to tell
But here
I was at rock bottom
And this was the only way
I could get help
I just remembered
The bigger reasons
That I buried
Deep
Deep
Down
One was a medication
That was supposed to help
But only made what was
Already there
Worse
The other
Was an argument
I rememver all too well
Even though
I wish I could forget
Even over two years later
I don't want to talk
About that argument
I wasn't going to.
I didn't really think I was going to.
Which is why they let me go
After eight
Or maybe six
Hours of sobbing my guts out to doctors
I started going to therapy weekly after That Day
I quit cheerleading after That Day
I think I didn't cut for a year after That Day
It took a while
For the scars to fade
But they did
And it's become easier
To ignore the dark part of my mind
That sometimes wants them back
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